You Can't Fix Stupid - Letter 1

Below is a writing exercise that I did a while ago. I just thought it was funny, so I wanted to share it with all of you.



Dear Dr. Weizenstein,

            I have been told to write to you by many of my friends. They each say that your weekly column fixes many other peoples’ problems. This may be a bit presumptuous on my part, but I truly believe that my problems could fill a whole year of your weekly columns, if not more. I have never before read your columns, but I am told that you are an amazing psychiatrist.
            You see, between my family and I, we could fill out a reality show for more than one season, and never hit the same topic twice. To say that my life is a train wreck is a complete understatement. But, hey the first step to recovery is to admit that I have a problem. Am I right?
            Well, since I have your ear, I might as well ask you about one particular problem that I have. You see, I am addicted to social networking sites. They are my life. Everything I do can be found posted on my homepage. From the time I got extremely intoxicated on jolt cola and kissed a dog, to the time I fell off a ladder and updated that I thought that I had broken my femur.
            But those are the small things. I have a larger problem than that. I am not sure how that I should phrase this; but, I have a typing disease. That’s right, a disease. As of yet I have not found a cure to this painful and distressful disorder. I am sure that no one can understand, except those who suffer from this debilitating disorder also.
            What could be so bad you ask? Well here goes. I have a problem that leads my fingers to type completely obscure and unnecessary status updates on my social networking page. I know what you’re saying, horrible, right? Well anyway, I guess some would complain that I should not post something that others cannot understand.
            Like I said it is a horrible disease, which leads me to not understand the meanings of my own postings at times. To give you an example of what I mean, I posted the following last night and I am not sure what I was talking about.
“If people, would just be people, who believed in believing, than I could just live my life in peace, without the constant judgment of others.”
What the heck does that even mean? I honestly have no clue. Now you see the dilemma I am in. My family is confused and angry, and I am struggling with the confusion of a disorder that many think is made up. Please let me know if you can shed any light on my problems.

Confused and Disorientated,
Adam R.

***

 
Dear Adam,

            May I start out by saying, oh my! You do suffer from a severe and disabling disease. One that I do believe will never be cured. You see it has plagued man from the beginning of computers and will continue to wreak havoc until we are all dead and buried. I am afraid to even put a name to this disorder, for fear that it will be used as a crutch by the many hypochondriacs of the world.
            Suffice it to say that you suffer from what appears to be a mild form of the disorder. I am positive you suffer from Socialitis Networkius Obscurosis. Never heard of it? Well, it is not widely documented by that name, but as you will find out, you display some of the symptoms.
            Obscure statements on social networking sights are definitely a symptom. While it is socially acceptable to post about what you are doing, when even you cannot understand what you are posting, you are more serious than you understand.
            This however is not the worst case of the disorder that I have seen. Let me replay for you a conversation another reader sent me.
            Andrew says; “My life is my own, and if people weren’t such people I wouldn’t have to live up to the standards that have been set for me by others.”
            Bad right? Except you should see the conversation further as Andrew’s brother Frank joins in. Here is Frank’s comment.
            Frank says; “Why should people be people? If you want a life of a standard you choose, than the families of others should let you choose.”
            And just to add to that, Andrew decided to respond to his brother Frank’s comments by saying the following.
            Andrew says; “You have no clue Frank, your people are part of the people who are the problem with my living standards.”
            Are you completely confused now? Both Andrew and Frank were too, by the end of the conversation. It got so bad that no one in their family would talk to them anymore, for fear of getting some obscure statement in response. So by now, I am sure you are asking yourself if they can be cured, can I?
            Just hold your horses for a second, because I never said I cured them, in fact I didn’t. Like I said in the beginning there is no cure. All I could offer them were four simple words, which seemed to confuse them even more, and I am sure you will feel the same. “You can’t fix stupid.”

Yours Truly,

Dr. Eli Weizenstein

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